Conflict can be constructive rather than destructive. Individuals can have differences of opinion that can lead to new ideas or perspectives. Conflict can also support innovation and creativity. There are ways to discuss and explore differences of opinions that maintain respect and psychological safety. When we learn to handle conflict like this, life's challenges become a chance to understand different perspectives rather than just a bad experience.
Try our short eLearning module which includes key concepts related to this topic. You can share this with others or use it as part of a more in-depth learning program.
Understand your needs
Conflict is often the result of unmet needs, such as the need for:
- Recognition – “You don’t appreciate my effort”
- Fairness – “You’re not being fair”
- Understanding – “You don’t get me”
- Security – “I don’t feel safe”
- Predictability – “This isn’t what I expected”
- Balance – “I’m overwhelmed”
It can help if you try to recognize your own unmet needs rather than wishing for someone else to change what they’re doing.
It’s also helpful if you can consider what the unmet need might be for the person you’re in conflict with. For more information on this, go to What drives behaviour.
Get a different perspective
You may be going through some challenges unrelated to the conflict, which reduces your ability to respond effectively. When you step back, you might see the issue isn’t insurmountable. Recognize that with everything else going on, you may have a lower tolerance. To learn more, go to The window of tolerance for stress.
Get a second opinion
Discuss the facts of the conflict with a trusted person who can help you check your perception. If you don’t have someone in your personal life, you may access a volunteer through one of these organizations.
Manage your emotions
Often, strong emotions make resolving conflict a challenge. Sometimes, it’s difficult to manage our emotional reactions and see what can change to improve the situation. A trained counsellor can help us learn to manage our emotional reactions more effectively. In addition to seeking help, you can learn how to improve your emotional intelligence.
Don’t blame or shame others
When we accuse someone else or point out their flaws, their natural reaction may be to:
- Justify
- Defend
- Counter-attack
- Withdraw
It’s hard to be open to new ideas and resolve conflict when we think we’re under attack. For more information on this, go to Avoid blaming and shaming. You can also learn to Prepare for a difficult conversation and provide Constructive criticism.
Don’t see yourself as a victim
If we believe we’re under attack, our natural reaction may be to:
- Justify
- Defend
- Counter-attack
- Withdraw
- Look for evidence that everyone’s against us
- Find it hard to see positives
Learn how to Tolerate confrontation.
Think about the other person’s underlying issues
If you have conflict with someone, you’re not likely their biggest concern. Usually, their primary issues are:
- Family
- Finances
- Health
- Reputation
- Security
Consider what might be behind the other person’s behaviours. See the Supportive conversation library to help you talk to someone about difficult topics like:
- Mental health
- Stress
- Addiction
- Anger
- Abuse
- Lying
Talk it out
Once you understand your own needs, sit down in private with the other person.
- Seek to understand their needs
- Find out what’s necessary for you both to resolve the on-going issues
- Remember to resist blaming or shaming
- Focus only on the solution (what changes can be made), even if the other person goes back to the problem
If this seems too challenging, ask someone everyone respects to help you with this step. If we want someone to move towards a better resolution, we need to understand how they would also benefit from a change in circumstances. Although this approach to conflict was created for the workplace, you may find the information is also helpful in your personal life.
Get commitment instead of compliance
When everyone involved is part of creating the solution and walking away with their dignity intact, long-term success is much more likely. They may not feel as committed to the resolution if someone is:
- Threatened
- Forced into action
- Unable to see the benefit of the change for them
Let it go
Whether the resolution is exactly what you hoped for, or just good enough, don’t let it continue to affect your well-being. If you need help letting go of negative or frustrating thoughts, reach out to someone who can help. Consider a trusted friend or a counsellor. Holding on to these thoughts can damage your mental and physical well-being.
Sometimes, conflict seems overwhelming. We may:
- Wonder why we can’t resolve issues easily
- Feel frustrated and hurt
- Believe the conflict is someone else’s fault entirely and not see our part in it
- Think it’s all our fault
Your needs and the needs of the person you’re in conflict with are both important. While this may be hard to accept, resolution happens when everyone’s needs are met.
Psychologically safe interactions is a set of workshop resources that shows how behaviours might be interpreted as bullying, regardless of intent. You may wish to suggest your workplace facilitate this workshop to help all team members improve how they interact with each other.
Share this with anyone who’d like to better deal with conflict.
10-minute e-learning
Use the Resolving personal conflict infographic | PDF as a reminder of the concepts of Resolving personal conflict.
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