Dealing with a stressful boss

When your boss’s behaviour changes to become challenging, your initial response should be the same as it would be for anyone you suspected was dealing with stress or illness. You might say, “You don’t seem to be yourself lately. Are you feeling okay?” This alone may help your boss recognize they’re not coping with their issues as well as they could be. If the issue is a mental illness, like depression or anxiety, we know part of the health condition is lack of insight.

Even if there’s no mental illness, chronic stress can lead to negative changes in our thoughts and behaviours. We don’t tend to be immediately aware of these changes. 

For example: 

A boss went into a colleague’s office to share that she was angry with one of her employees. The colleague said to her, “You seem to be angry with everyone lately.” This statement upset the boss, but she came to realize it was true. She went to her doctor, who said there was nothing wrong with her. She persisted in asking for testing. It turned out that, rather than a mental health issue, she had a problem with her thyroid, and the condition was causing chemical changes that resulted in negative thought processes.

As this scenario shows, we may not know what’s causing someone to be unwell and behave differently. We can show we care by asking about their health. This caring inquiry may prompt them to seek the help they need.

If possible, provide examples of what’s changed from their past positive state rather than their current negative state. For instance, rather than saying, “You’re so miserable lately,” you might want to say, “You’re not your usual cheery self,” “You seem less energetic,” or “You’ve always been steady as a rock, even with all the stressors you have here at work.” By focusing on the positives that may be currently lacking, you provide perspective and hope that things can return to where they were before. The intention is to encourage and motivate your boss to reach out for help to become well again. You also avoid the blaming and shaming that can arise when we accuse someone of being negative, critical or volatile.

If you aren’t successful in helping your boss look into their health or well-being, there are other things you can try to reduce the stress their behaviour may be causing you. In the following video, Mary Ann Baynton outlines a conversation about “coaching up,” which is about helping your supervisor help you do your job successfully.

Sometimes improving our understanding about diverse personalities or management styles allows us to work for people who are very different than us. It is important that you maintain healthy boundaries. When your own health or well-being is being compromised, it may be necessary to reach out for help. If you enjoy your job and want to learn how to better deal with your boss’s personality or behaviours, you may want to try the following.   

Below are descriptions of several types of bosses. Find the one(s) that most closely resemble the challenges you’re facing and see if the suggested approaches are helpful.

High-strung

They can be overly emotional, volatile, intense, intimidating, unpredictable, reactionary or even bullying.

Approaches to try: Stay calm and resist responding until they’re calm again. With individuals like this, their stress levels are often high. Any unwelcome or unexpected response can make the situation worse. Once they’re calm, you can try to clarify their expectations for you.

Paranoid 

They rarely trust anyone to do anything right. They may feel employees or upper management will let them down or are out to get them. 

Approaches to try: Don’t challenge or question them. Provide ample information about your work whenever asked. Don’t take risks or try things without getting permission first.

Risk averse

They’re usually afraid of being judged or criticized, so they may be afraid of taking even reasonable chances. They may avoid change and want to explore ideas extensively before they’re ready to act.

Approaches to try: Slow down and stick to the procedures and responsibilities. Point out any risks associated with not doing things differently if you want to influence change.

Brick wall

They seem hard to read and not very social. They don’t demonstrate empathy or emotion. They only communicate when necessary, and even then it’s quite limited.

Approaches to try: Sometimes this type of boss prefers written communication to allow them time to think about and articulate their response. Try to give them space and limit any spontaneous communication if possible. Resist confrontation.

Hot and cold 

They may act like they’re agreeable to your face, but then go against you behind your back. They may have a difficult time simply stating their opinion, so they avoid conflict by seeming to get along while quietly resisting. They may even sabotage things they don’t like by dragging their feet or not doing what they said they would. 

Approaches to try: Don’t argue or debate with them. Ask what they want and how they want it. Don’t assume they’ll agree or provide you with support when needed.

Arrogant 

They may act like everything is always all about them and this is how it should be. They don’t react well to criticism and rarely admit to making mistakes.

Approaches to try: Flattery usually works well. Conversely, you’ll probably regret ever questioning or blaming them for anything that goes wrong. Simply state your issue and seek their wise counsel on how you might solve it.

Dramatic 

They seem to enjoy being the centre of attention. They may also focus their attention for a short period of time on one thing before they get excited or upset about something else.

Approaches to try: Pay attention when they’re in front of you and let them have the floor. Resist giving any advice or taking focus away from them.

Impractical 

This leader could have many strange, unreasonable or impractical ideas. Their visions could be impossible to execute, or they may not communicate the ideas well.

Approaches to try: Try to understand the intended outcome of their concepts and look for ways to get that result. If the ideas involve you, ask them to specify what they require of you and how they’ll measure success. Doing so lets you know your part is being done well, even if the rest doesn’t meet the desired standard.

Micro-manager

They’re likely motivated by fear of being judged or criticized themselves. This fear makes them worry obsessively about most details of the work others are doing for them. Their demands may seem impossible, or they may slow you down by wanting to be involved or made aware of what’s happening every step of the way.

Approaches to try: You’ll want to pay close attention to detail with this boss. You may also want to find ways to assure them your work will be up to agreed-upon standards.

Adapted in part from https://hbr.org/2017/07/how-to-deal-with-a-boss-who-stresses-you-out

This may not be part of your job but trying to implement stress reducers into your boss’s day without being obvious can positively impact you and your co-workers. Depending on your relationship, circumstances, knowledge of your boss’s likes and comfort level, you might try to:

• Speak and react in calm ways, even when they’re obviously agitated
• Bring them a cup of tea or hot chocolate
• Ask if you can tidy their work space
• Have your work ready in advance of the deadline
• Gently remind them of upcoming tasks or events
• Ask if they would like you to take messages or respond to emails for them so they can have some uninterrupted time to do their tasks
• Suggest you go for lunch, a coffee or a walk together
• Offer to take on any of their tasks you know you can handle

If your boss’s well-being or behaviour continues to deteriorate, speak to someone who may be able to help. You may wish to express your concern for their well-being rather than implying you’re reporting on their performance or attitude. Your boss may view the latter approach as insubordination and disloyalty. Rather, you might say your boss doesn’t seem like themselves lately and you’re concerned they’re putting their health at risk.

Of course, this isn’t the process to try if there are any threats, violence, bullying or harassment. In those cases, follow the policy process in your organization and/or contact the appropriate authority.

Ask if they’ve noticed and if they would mind making sure your boss is okay. This could be any of the following:

• Your boss’s boss
• Someone on the board of directors, if your boss is the CEO, owner or head of the organization – this can be especially helpful if you happen to know a director personally
• A trusted colleague or peer of your boss
• An occupational health professional, if your organization has one
• A human resources professional, if your organization has one
• Your union representative, if you have one
• An employee assistance plan (EAP) provider, if you have one

If you have an employee assistance plan provider, you can call and speak to someone there about your boss’s situation and receive help for your own stress at the same time.

Mental health problems are often temporary and people who get treatment can recover. Try this two-pronged approach when your boss may be experiencing mental health issues:

• Find strategies that reduce the stress their illness causes for you.
• Do what you can to encourage your boss to seek wellness.

If nothing you do improves the situation, you need to focus on taking care of your own mental health. While you may value your job, you may need to find another job if this relationship makes you enjoy your job less or negatively affects your well-being. Don’t see this as a failure or giving up. Rather, see it as an important strategic decision for your health.

It’s highly unlikely your boss’s intention is to cause you daily stress and anxiety. Still, if that’s your reality, you may experience higher levels of potentially damaging biological chemicals, like cortisol. These chemical changes occur in our bodies as a direct result of chronic stress or anxiety. They’re responsible for many health problems, ranging from heart disease to auto-immune disorders to mental health issues. If you can try some of the earlier suggestions, maybe you can help your boss work towards their own wellness. The Canadian Mental Health Association says there’s no health without mental health – and that includes your own.

For more information on stress, see Managing stress.

Adapted in part from an article “When the Boss May Have a Mental Health Issue,” written by Mary Ann Baynton on behalf of the Canadian Mental Health Association and Mental Health Works.

Share this resource with anyone who may be dealing with a stressful boss.

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