Why this matters
Constructive criticism can be helpful to the person getting it and the person delivering it. If the person on the receiving end feels supported and inspired when you give this type of feedback, it’ll be helpful for them. If you can give criticism in a clear way that effectively corrects problems or mistakes, it’ll be helpful for you.
Unfortunately, some of us are more likely to offer hurtful or confusing criticism. With a little reflection and practice, anyone can improve their ability to give constructive criticism.
Explore and reflect
When giving constructive criticism, focus on being helpful, specific and geared toward inspiring change in behaviour. Do each of these in a respectful way:
Begin by clearly explaining the desired outcome. Sometimes doing this can eliminate the need for negative criticism altogether, as you work toward how to achieve the preferred result.
For example, rather than saying, “This steak is overcooked,” you can tell them the preferred outcome: “I prefer the middle of my steak to be pink.”
Acknowledge the person’s effort and emphasize that you value it.
For example, “I appreciate you taking the time to make this for me.”
Acknowledge an individual’s value, as there is always value, and give positive feedback.
For example, “You always put together a meal for us with a beautiful presentation.”
Make feedback specific to what you want, instead of about the individual’s characteristics or personality.
For example, instead of, “You wreck my meals” you could say, “We all have our own preferences – I like my meat rare.”
Give clear, concrete suggestions:
For example, “Could you try taking my steak off 5 minutes before yours and let it sit while yours finishes cooking? I bet it would be perfect for me.”
Give them a chance to respond to your feedback.
For example, ask, “Would this work for you?” Then stay silent to give them a chance to respond.
Where appropriate, frame the feedback process as an opportunity for growth.
For example, “I think you’re an amazing cook. I’m asking for this little tweak to suit my preferences.”
Keep in mind that criticism can emotionally trigger most, if not all, people – don’t take this personally. When you feel someone reacting, that’s a chance to correct their interpretation by saying something like, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for that to come off as harsh criticism.” Then, reiterate what you value and appreciate about their efforts.
The following are examples of less constructive versus more constructive ways of giving criticism.
Not following directions
You asked a family member to pick up a short list of groceries. They come back missing cheese, which you need for the meal you’re preparing. You’re surprised, as you told them what you’re making tonight.
Less constructive
You blame someone for intentionally being lazy, careless or not listening.
“You knew I needed that. Did you decide it was too much of a bother?”
More constructive
Give the family member the benefit of the doubt and don’t assume negative intentions:
- “I need the cheese for tonight’s meal. Were they out of it?”
- “It may even be right in front of me, and I don’t see it.”
- “Could the cheese have fallen out in the car?”
- “Maybe you forgot to write it down.”
Give the person a chance to respond before you criticize, to save embarrassment and frustration for both of you.
Interrupting
You ask someone to stop interrupting when you’re talking.
Less constructive
You get frustrated and stop talking altogether, or just say, “Forget it.”
More constructive
Give the person the benefit of the doubt and don’t assume negative intentions.
“I know you’ve got lots of ideas too. Can I finish my thought and then I’ll hear you out?”
This makes clear what you’re asking of them but doesn’t end the conversation.
Repeated mistakes
When you’ve already talked about a problem and the person does the same thing again.
Less constructive
“We already talked about this. Obviously, you just don’t care.”
More constructive
“When we talked about this before, you said you’d try to do it differently. What got in the way of that?”
This leaves opportunity for an open conversation rather than making assumptions about their motives.
Misunderstanding
Someone claims you were gossiping about a mutual friend. You don’t believe you were.
Less constructive
“You’re a liar. I never said that!”
More constructive
“Can you tell me why you think I said that?”
This question gives them the chance to correct their statement and possibly remember what you said or didn’t say. What they call gossip might be what you feel is just a conversation. It’s more constructive to set the record straight, rather than to accuse them of lying.
Take action
You might notice constructive feedback sounds considerably more positive to the listener. When comments are negative in tone and sound more like scolding than guiding, people can feel disrespected and are less likely to change their behaviour. You can build mutually respectful relationships by maintaining a constructive approach.
Going forward, practice giving constructive criticism until it becomes a habit.
Share this with anyone who wants to strengthen relationships, improve their leadership skills or become more supportive.
Additional resources
- Body language awareness. Learn how non-verbal communication – like body language, tone of voice, eye contact and facial expressions – is as important as our words in effective communication.
- Choose your words. Learn how your choice of words can make a difficult conversation even more difficult.
- Communicating with clarity. Learn how to adjust the intensity with which you communicate to improve getting your message across clearly.
- Strengthening relationships. Learn to build, maintain and deepen any relationship for a stronger connection.